My heart poured out.

The words just came flowing...

.



As Second Momma, and Forever Momma- and yes I am ok with both of those titles, I might not have carried her in my womb. But I carry many things... I carry her hand, her dollies, her dresses, and most importantly I carried her in my heart. As I was saying I have had to learn many things about the First Momma, many things that I hope can heal with time, change with time and for the better. For our daughter. I learned that sometimes I need to just stay quiet. Even when I think that I doing right by discussing things, it is not always right, because our realities are not the same. She lives in an alternate reality. Not like the oohh sci-fi kind. The choices she made kind. Her perception of life will never match with anyone's because responsibility will never be accepted. I know that I will never understand her situation. But I do understand how circumstances can bring a person to a point in their life. What I will never understand is not taking back control. When lives are on the line. Take back control, don't run away. First Mom, I supported your fight. I wanted you to have your happily ever after. After all, that is the way God intended it to be. But as humans we are allowed free will and your choices put us all here, and because my family chose to obey God's will I will not be beat with your words.
 I do have sympathy sweet First Mom. I can imagine how it must hurt to not have your kids in your arms, but this was not any of our faults and certainly not any of your kiddos. I have learned that sympathy can run low, like a stream or a creek or something. . I have learned that sometimes you have to speak up for injustice even to the people who were supposed to be helping. I have learned that almost anything you say can be turned around or completely twisted or even ignored and only one point focused on. I have cried tears of frustration, of sadness, of anger, of bitterness even. Why can't she understand? I am not trying to play anyone for the villain, in fact all of lil miss' memories of her first mommy are great- for the most part. And we focus on the great things. We also don't try to make it like she is not around anymore. Quite the contrary, we talk about her, tell her where she lives, about siblings.

.......Now here is where it gets real hard for me.

Real hard.

 I know we are going to provide updates and have a visit once a year. But this feeling that I have is something that I need to pray about. Something I need to release and give control over to God. I pray because of the momma-bearness of it. Because whether the feeling is just or not, I know I have to mellow out.

ok.

here goes...

I can't help but be totally offended when asked for more time or a phone call or this or that. Because my heart screams NO! You had 4 years couldn't you just do what they asked you to do!!??? You will not be the one here when she is waking up with a bad dream in the middle of the night- which she will my heart knows a visit is going to cause one. You are not the one who wipes away tears, bandages boo boo's and explains where her tummy mommy is.

So yes, this is the place my mind goes dear tummy mom, when you rage at me about your "rights" as her mother. About your  "unbreakable bond" that I need to accept.

 Because tummy mom, you are not here.

I am.
 I am here. Every day.

I chose to be here.
 Just like you chose to not be here.






This is one of the most real and hardest things to post. I read and re-read it. Wondered if I should delete it. But in the end I know that there are others out there in the same situation like me. You are not alone. And neither am I. I want to remember this stuff. It is hard. But I have God right beside me and my husband. I want to remember 10 years from now everything we have gone through. And some day, when Lil Miss asks hard questions, I want to give her answers.  Some. Day.

1 year and 1 week...

And how is Lil Miss doing? Well for those following who are not local she is doing good. Here we are 1 year and 1 week after she "came home"? I don't know what do foster/adopt people call it. I mean we knew we were going adopt her. So it wasn't a typical foster placement. But it isn't like with international kids where they call it a "gotcha day" where they pick them up from an orphanage. I suppose it was more like a "Welcome Home."

Today, a year later, she is far different. I know that in one year from now I will probably say the same thing. And I don't mean to say she is soooo different like she had all these changes that she needed to make because she was bad or something, just changes that she needed to go through. And I don't by any means think that she is done.
I honestly believe that many think that if a child goes to a home with a relative they think- oh all is well, child is with family. Life is good. That is far from the truth. That just means that family thinks they can be all up in your business more since they are all family! haha.
Lil Miss has come out of her shell this year, she smiles when a camera comes her way. Poses now. I just want to scream that from the mountains. SHE SMILES!!! One of my friends quietly mentioned that to me one day at church and I will never forget that moment. She said, do you just notice how she smiles at the camera, doesn't sheepily shy away. I did notice. I was happy about it, and her noticing meant the world to me. The world!

She is doing better in school. And I believe will continue to do better. From what I have seen this summer I believe with the right teacher she is going to flourish this year.

She is successful at an instrument and sport. She has never done either and tries hard at both. She sat in her room the other day and practiced on her own her violin for a half hour. I know it was that exact amount as I have been sick and had a headache. I wanted to say they could all have a freebie that day on their violin sticks. But away she went, on her own.

As I sit here and remember that day, a year ago when she came. We all made these silly little signs and hung them in the entry way. We kept one, it says "Welcome Back 'lil miss we love you!" In some ways I felt as if everything was comfortable, but in others I just knew that storm was about to hit. I knew that it couldn't be as good as it was right then. Children happily playing and giggling, all the adults smiling.  I just knew that this was not going to be it. And of course it wasn't. Someone, at some point had to say no. had to set boundaries, had to give expectations with follow through and love. Not just lavish. While I am sure some would expect one to say "oh I would never want to do that again..." I would. Everything I experienced with her has taught me something. You can pray in the midst of anything. You can choose any voice and any behavior you want. You can choose to set an example.  And that is the truth. This little girl has taught me so much this year. She has taught me about love, about patience, about hard truths, about healing, and about so much more that I don't know if I am ready to write about yet.

 

Dear Summer...

Dear Summer,
Where did you go? This has gone by so fast! So many things I have not had a chance to sit and write about...where to start??!!??
Let's start with today. Today I am getting over being sick. That is right folks, the person with the weakest immune system ever, got sick in the SUMMER. I am not talking about like 'oh I think I don't feel very good' kinda sick. I mean laying down, and down and out for days kinda sick. Luckily it butted up next to a weekend. Apparently there is something going around. In. The. Summer!!!
Hopefully I feel better tomorrow.

So next, the kids- we have a new system for chore chart stuff. I call it chore jars. I am actually thinking about selling them, they work that well. And they are really cute. Anyways with the new system in place the kids are getting ready for set times for homework and school scheduling, their chores, etc. And they are earning money for saving, spending, and offering. So far so good. I will keep ya posted.
The girls are still doing cheer, though I did not realize how spendy it was. It is pretty steep. ugh.

This summer has been fun but flown by. It has been a summer of decisions too. And for that I am glad. It is always nice to have things decided upon.

Another thing we have been working on this summer is....
http://beautifulbaggageis613.blogspot.com/