My heart poured out.

The words just came flowing...

.



As Second Momma, and Forever Momma- and yes I am ok with both of those titles, I might not have carried her in my womb. But I carry many things... I carry her hand, her dollies, her dresses, and most importantly I carried her in my heart. As I was saying I have had to learn many things about the First Momma, many things that I hope can heal with time, change with time and for the better. For our daughter. I learned that sometimes I need to just stay quiet. Even when I think that I doing right by discussing things, it is not always right, because our realities are not the same. She lives in an alternate reality. Not like the oohh sci-fi kind. The choices she made kind. Her perception of life will never match with anyone's because responsibility will never be accepted. I know that I will never understand her situation. But I do understand how circumstances can bring a person to a point in their life. What I will never understand is not taking back control. When lives are on the line. Take back control, don't run away. First Mom, I supported your fight. I wanted you to have your happily ever after. After all, that is the way God intended it to be. But as humans we are allowed free will and your choices put us all here, and because my family chose to obey God's will I will not be beat with your words.
 I do have sympathy sweet First Mom. I can imagine how it must hurt to not have your kids in your arms, but this was not any of our faults and certainly not any of your kiddos. I have learned that sympathy can run low, like a stream or a creek or something. . I have learned that sometimes you have to speak up for injustice even to the people who were supposed to be helping. I have learned that almost anything you say can be turned around or completely twisted or even ignored and only one point focused on. I have cried tears of frustration, of sadness, of anger, of bitterness even. Why can't she understand? I am not trying to play anyone for the villain, in fact all of lil miss' memories of her first mommy are great- for the most part. And we focus on the great things. We also don't try to make it like she is not around anymore. Quite the contrary, we talk about her, tell her where she lives, about siblings.

.......Now here is where it gets real hard for me.

Real hard.

 I know we are going to provide updates and have a visit once a year. But this feeling that I have is something that I need to pray about. Something I need to release and give control over to God. I pray because of the momma-bearness of it. Because whether the feeling is just or not, I know I have to mellow out.

ok.

here goes...

I can't help but be totally offended when asked for more time or a phone call or this or that. Because my heart screams NO! You had 4 years couldn't you just do what they asked you to do!!??? You will not be the one here when she is waking up with a bad dream in the middle of the night- which she will my heart knows a visit is going to cause one. You are not the one who wipes away tears, bandages boo boo's and explains where her tummy mommy is.

So yes, this is the place my mind goes dear tummy mom, when you rage at me about your "rights" as her mother. About your  "unbreakable bond" that I need to accept.

 Because tummy mom, you are not here.

I am.
 I am here. Every day.

I chose to be here.
 Just like you chose to not be here.






This is one of the most real and hardest things to post. I read and re-read it. Wondered if I should delete it. But in the end I know that there are others out there in the same situation like me. You are not alone. And neither am I. I want to remember this stuff. It is hard. But I have God right beside me and my husband. I want to remember 10 years from now everything we have gone through. And some day, when Lil Miss asks hard questions, I want to give her answers.  Some. Day.