I going to preface this entry with a heartfelt warning. This is my heart, layed out, so that others will feel not alone as they sit up late at night, so that when Momma's are crying and fretting over what is he "right" thing to do, they can read about another Momma who maybe went through something similar. I am not here to paint a picture of butterflies and rainbows, some days there are. Today there is not....
Day after tomorrow is the day I have been dreading. The meeting with what many adoptive parents would say, "bio-mom." I call her my cousin. I used to call her my friend. Someone I could trust. Someone I would have envisioned sending my kids away to over summer vacations for special trips, getting together for beach stays. This is not my reality.
Everyone thinks that doing a kinship adoption, or adopting a family member, would be the easiest thing. They are blood related- because that makes all the difference ** note a high level of sarcasm right there ** , family adoptions SHOULD go faster, and of course all families get along and want what is best for the child and for the kiddo to stay in the family. Not go away to some wierdo, sicko, evil foster parent- who is only in it for the money anyways. Well if only REAL life was like that. Of course you have some supporters in the family from the start. "You are doing a good thing, I could never do that, but good for you guys!" - let's be honest I lost count how many times I heard that in the first month! Then you have the back handed complements , " ya that's good, but your hands are kinda full." Then there are the assault rifles, " what are you thinking! That is not where the child belongs! Why wasn't I informed!!" This is kinship adoption. Everyone is so comfortable with you, and they feel right by being able to say whatever they want whenever hey want. They also feel right by holding and horboring resentment toward you for years to come. I mean after all, you are family. So if you didn't let them know every facaet of your life then something must be wrong with you.. Right? I mean how dare you not ask permission from the busybodies in the family!
That is a cold and raw look. It is accurate to my life, but very raw, now let me tell you how I dealt with it for two years. Jesus tell us to forgive. A lot. So I clung to that. He also tells us to turn the other cheek. So I did that as well. I did wonder if there was a moment in which I would need to protect my family and my heart, where enough would be enough . But for over two years I tried to explain and just simply move on. Then there was a breaking point. Malicious, Mean, Manipulative behavior from a beloved family member. And this is why kinship adoption is hard. They think they should be a part of what you do.
I am experiencing both kinds of adoption from foster care, one from kinship and one from a child placed with me. The kinship one is BY FAR THE MORE STRESSFUL OF THE TWO. Now make NO MISTAKE. I would do it again. I just wish someone would have given me a few pointers. I might have made a few more notes and things.
So per our OCA, we have a once a year visit and pictures and updates 2x a year. I was doing much more at first until a verbal attack was launched. I realized I can't keep trying to be friends with an image of who I remember her to be. That person is gone. The person that exists now is not someone I would hang around with, but I am legally bound to. I miss my cousin. I wish that person was there. I wish my daughter was going to get to see her, not a phony shell that is going to be portrayed. I know exactly how she will be, she used to do this before, this overly sugary sweet and dramatical act. I don't look forward to it. Somewhere between Mary Poppins and Anne of Green Gables, but if something doesn't go her way it will be something out of the ghetto.
I struggle so much with the upcoming day. My daughter, has so many questions. Some I refuse to answer. She is too young to know. Some I have to make it age appropriate to that I don't get caught in a lie while trying to make her bio mom not look bad. BIO MOM- understand when I say, I have done my best to shine you in your brightest light. However she is smart. She is drawing lines from the dots. I don't know what the day will bring, but I do know this. BE CAREFUL WITH MY DAUGHTERS HEART.
I know that there are things that they remember that are good. My daughter remembers a kitten she had. But, I also tend to think that you may have rewrote some of their thoughts when moving back to Washington. That was a difficult time and you wanted to imagine things a particular way. If you say it over and over enough times, it becomes a memory and seems true.
This is a glimpse into my head during a time when I have never done anything like this before. I hope if you stumbled upon this as another adoptive momma and are having some same concerns you are eased. If you are a bio momma and you stumble upon this, know that I appreciate you chose life. In my case that is about it. I am sorry my cousin refuses help from people, continues to have children. All of those things are not safe. In an ideal world bio momma you would agree to help and stay clean. You would control your temper and not choose to be around people that are bad for your health. Case by case is how i take things. And I am so over the shenanigans if this case.
If you have made it this far I ask one thing. Pray for self control for me. Seriously. Kinship adoption is hard because you know them all so well, and I have to patience left. Pray I can control my tongue. Because there is so much I could just spew forth.
