5 months...

Yesterday was 5 months since Aunt Kim died.  As I type that first sentence I still can't believe it is true. I can't believe that she is gone. I find myself re-reading old fb messages, and txts. Stumbling across old messages from her on pics. I draw in my breath, as if I were just punched. Is she really gone? Did that actually happen, or was that week just some horrible nightmare.
It is in the little every day things, like something that Liv would do or say. I think to myself, "ohemgee Aunt Kim will...no would... have thought that was so hilarious." In the stillness of these moments, as I write this, I don't even think I can fully let myself go "all the way there." I am not ready.
Do I feel as though I shove things down into a nice and neat little bottle concerning this. yep. and ya know what I am ok with that. for now. I am not ready to go there. I am ready to be the shoulder, the ear, the whatever that beautiful young woman now needs. But I do not want to discuss anything about my own sorrow quite yet because the truth is still the slightest things can catch me off guard. Something the lady said at the CPR class, the show I was just watching. I. miss. her.

Last night I couldn't help but think about that night. Re-living it as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep. I don't know that I am quite ready to talk about everything in here. While having this outlet does feel like a nice place, I just don't know if I am there yet. But let's just saying that thinking about it did no good. I didn't know how to stop. There are things you can't unsee, unhear, unknow. Things you will never forget about a time and place. I can close my eyes and see everything about the hospital. The room, the extra room, the floor layout, the people. I can see Aunt Kim's house, though I felt like time stood still for us that week in that house, I can remember things like they just happened.

The other day, while at hobby lobby I like to look in the reminant bin. end bits and whatnot. I saw a piece that I had used on Aunt Kim's quilt, my immediate thought was, I wonder if this was from the same bolt I had bought from. Chucked it in my cart. Stupid thought, I mean surely they go through tons of fabric, but because that one had special purpose to me, I needed to have it.

oy... I think I will leave it at that now. I need to go to something productive anyways, like fold some laundry. 
peace out people.