Dear First Mom,

As I sit here tonight this is the only person on my mind. Her and God.  God first because I have spent most the evening in silent prayer, and her because she is the reason I have been praying. I also wonder do I want to publish this post or just type it out for my own personal story for later in life. I just don't know. Because this is "all in the family" so to speak, it sure does give things a different flavor that had I been asked "where do you expect you will be with adoption" a few months ago, I never would have thought here. God is so much mightier than us, and when we are willing to obey we know things will be great.  Now why am I thinking about the first mom you ask?? Well because the first mom has left the first scars. Emotional scars that I know nothing about....

Dear First Mom,
We were once the best of friends. We played together, we were mermaids on the beach, we made treasure maps together. We layed a mattress outside your deck and jumped off because the older kids did and it was fun. We heard scary stories together, we had hunted Easter eggs together. Once, first mom, you told me you were having a baby. You were so young, we were so young. You would keep her, she grew into a precious young woman. First mom, you moved, had more children things seemed better for you. The shell of the girl I knew that left seemed better, maybe. Until you came back. What happened to you first mom? What did you do? Why did you do what you did? As mother's we are given these babies to protect, love, take care of. How could you NOT??!!!??? I understand, that things play their role, I do. But will you ever understand what you have done. I don't think you will and let me explain why... you will never see my daughter crying and having a fit over the simplest of tasks, and for what reason? I don't know. I simply asked. Maybe she doesn't trust yet, it must be hard, you, first mom, lied to her so many times. So how is she to know that the second and final mom will not lie to her. That when I say I am not going anywhere and neither is she that I what I mean. You will never be here to help her work through her issues of learning to find her way into family life, learning to follow rules, learning what natural consequences means, learning to trust. You won't see as she grows in the Lord, which is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Or her first dance recital or sports event. You also don't see as she asks about you, first mom. Where you are, if I know you, if I like you. It is heartbreaking as I smile at her and tell her just how lucky she is to have a mom that grew her in her tummy and another one to take care of her. And yes, I love her first mom and dad because they made her. But first mom, do I like you right now. no. Do I tell sweet daughter...never. One day she will form her own opinions about you, that is not for me to make. That is for her and her alone. I am her to love her and guide her. To be her Momma. Finally, first mom, please don't find us or ever call. The damage you have done to our daughter we will be trying to heal for some time so please just stay away. I thank you for her life, as we are grateful to have her in our family. But I am sure you need to work on you, not coming into the lives of already hurt children and dropping more bombs for people to clean up. I do pray you actually get the help you need at some point before it is too late.
Second Momma

If I ever wrote a letter it would go something like that. I am a sinner just like all of you and I am honest. This is honestly where I am on that subject. I honestly pray that if first mom just randomly appeared on my doorstep that hubby would be home. There are not many things that make me loose my cool, but when it comes to my kids, that would be one. I believe people use the term MommaBear. And I guess if I am going to be totally honest here and share my totally stinky heart, a small piece of me hopes hubby wouldn't be here if she ever showed. I know, I really do know how bad that sounds. I know you are all probably sitting there in shock. But isn't it better to be honest? Even if you don't like the sound of what it is.